If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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