At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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