were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
