I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
