You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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