Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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