Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
