the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
