For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dick very happy bro
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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