So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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