Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
