its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
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He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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