The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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