Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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