I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
