i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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