i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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