Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize