Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
