Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
