I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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