so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
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I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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