I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Randomize
