What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
