only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
