The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
