I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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