My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
