I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
