now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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