I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
