I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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