Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
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Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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