i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
