your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Randomize
