I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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