Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
