I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
