Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
