I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
