I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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