Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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