dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
