every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
