If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
