i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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