I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
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The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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