$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
