I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
