pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
