his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
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Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
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I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating