The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox