So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.