Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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