This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
