ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
