Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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