We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
