We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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